Wednesday, March 11, 2009

More Than You Can Chew

"He had really enjoyed the pancakes but then he started foaming at the mouth and went down like a sack of stones."

- a witness on the late Boris Isayev, champion pancake-eater at Butter Week

It's uncouth to make fun of the dead. They've a nasty habit of reaching up from beyond the grave and inflicting grisely accidents upon attractive, annoying, holidaying American college kids. In serialised movie form.

But in the case of Boris Isayev, you've got to make an exception.

Boris Isayev won an eating competition by downing 43 pancakes. He then choked on a piece of pancake as he was collecting his prize. Witnesses are in a state of shock. Who would've thought that the pancake would fight back? Vladimir Putin's declared war on pancake separatists, saying this attack on Boris Isayev is a direct attack on the Russain people, and has started shelling Moscow's Pancake Parlour in retribution.

Pancake lovers are still in a state of shock.

It's a tradegy that's shaken the pancake-eating fraternity to the core, and the aftershocks will reverberate throughout the gluttonous world of competitive gross-out eating for years to come. Already, the desserts section of the International Surf n' Turf, Scarf n' Barf Championships have been cancelled out of respect for Mr Isayev. Competitors will instead eat a pancake in remmebrance.

Still, I like this quote from the paper:

"The exact cause of death is not clear but doctors believe he choked after a piece of pancake got lodged in his throat."

You reckon?


Anonymous said...

I should write a post while you get your football audience back.

I like pancakes, I like them better when they are deadly. Fear is the best sauce.

Your brother.

Connolly's agent said...

Near-death experiences do make you appreciate life more.