Arsenal Fight Club

"The Dallas school system was rocked by allegations on Thursday that staff members at an inner-city school made students settle their differences by fighting bare-knuckle brawls inside a steel cage."

- The Age, showing again that Texas is a strange, strange place

The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is, you do NOT talk about Fight Club. From this story from The Age, it looks like someone in Texas hasn't been following the first two rules. 

At first, I wondered what kind of counsellor would think that cage-fighting would be a good way to settle disputes. Then, I thought about how the kids would've felt, being dragged down into the basement, stripped of their shirts and shoes, and told to beat the hell out of each other for the amusement of off-duty staff. After that, I realised that someone in that Texas school has been watching way too much Fight Club. 

I know this because Tyler knows this.

And finally, I came to realisation that while cage fighting sounds bad, it would work in certain situations. Like at Arsenal, where there are more personality clashes than there are decent holding midfielders. And I've been giving thought to some potential match-ups: 

1. William Gallas vs Kolo Toure

Neither of them are particularly tall, and both are athletic types who can go all day. Gallas has the experience, gets into good positions, but is starting to show his age. Kolo got the speed, but not the positional sense. Neither of them have a knock-out punch, so expect this one to go the distance - unless Gallas decides he's had enough and throws a hissy fit in the corner. 

Tip - Toure in ten rounds. 

2. Nicky Bendtner vs Emmanuel Adebayor

Luckily, it's not a kickboxing match, because I doubt either of them would be able to land a kick at the moment. Adebayor's got the speed, the strength and a decent head-butt. Bendtner has the touch and the tactical nous. They're both big bruisers and unwilling to back down, so don't be surprised if they stand toe-to-toe and just belt the crap out of each other. It's one for the ages, folks.

Tip - Adebayor in six rounds.

3. Nicky Bendtner vs The Rest Of The Arsenal Squad

After Adebayor's had his turn, I imagine most of the rest of the Arsenal squad would strip off and jump into the cage and have a go at Bendtner. He's a bit arrogant, our Nicky, and rumour has it that the rest of the squad don't like arrogance. Luckily, the rest of the Arsenal squad are about four-foot-eleven, so it'll be a bit like wrestling with your kids. 

Tip - Bendtner in three rounds, and ice-cream for the kiddies.

4. van Persie vs Anyone?

van Persie's got a golden left foot and no one wants to face him. No one. Remember that jumping, mid-air volley a few years back? Imagine if that was your ball he kicked. Ouch. My guess is that once van Persie steps into the cage, everyone else will jump out. He's a bit prickly, and he's so Dutch that he can irritate you by just looking at you, but no one's going to risk getting hit by that foot. 

Tip - van Persie to own the cage.