Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fools?

"It will be one hell of a battle. It will be one hell of a fight. It will be tough. We have some tough games coming up. I don't think anyone can safely say that we are going to be guaranteed safety."

- Alan Shearer, the fourth Newcastle manager of the season

Five Fun Facts for today, only one of which is likely to be true:

1. I woke up today and on the news, Kevin Rudd had headbutted Nicholas Sarzoky for being French and recalcitrant, assumed command of the New World Order and ordered a new wave of bank bailouts, and rode off into the sunset with an awe-stricken Carla Bruni clasped around his waist.

2. I woke up today and a semi-trailer full of Mars Bars had crashed outside the house and little kids were cavorting around in piles of brightly-wrapped chocolate bars.

3. I woke up today and aliens had landed on the patio and were playing badminton on the back lawn.

4. I woke up today and the dog said "Howdy Weg, would you like some scrambled eggs?"

5. I woke up today and Alan Shearer had been made manager of Newcastle United.

Can anyone guess which one's real?

I'll give you a hint. I lifted Fun Fact No.5 from the Guardian website, so it's most likely to be correct, but... it's April Fool's day. It's got to be false. It's such a ridiculous proposition. Newcastle are 18th, two points adrift of Blackburn. They don't need Shearer. They need someone decent. They need a manager with experience, nous or that je ne nais quoi who'll galvanise the players to eek out enough points to avoid relegation.

They've gone down the Messianic route before by hiring Kevin Keegan, and that failed abysmally. Messiahs don't work in football because romance has been bored to death by statistics, better diets, and lots and lots of professionalism. Newcastle need someone pragmatic and tactically astute. And I don't think Shearer's the guy to do it.

So, this news about Shearer being appointed manager is an April's Fool joke. Isn't it?


GPS Justin said...

One and only outlook for the future- Newcastle just miss out on relegation, Boro, Stoke and Brom get relegated, and Shearer gets sacked for coming too close to relegation.
They then get some super rich owner, but Kaka, Ronaldiniho, Ronaldo, all the like and they smash butt and get into the UCL, and there's a new United- Newcastle.

Okay, the second part was crap, but the first can happen.

Connolly's agent said...

I think Ashley outsmarted himself on this one; they worship Shearer over there, and they'll stick with him even if they lose the first ten games next year. Remember the uproar over Keegan earlier this year? Ashley's stuck with Shearer until one of the following occurs:
1. Newcastle gets relegated
2. Ashley sells
3. Newcastle win the League and Shearer's offered Ferguson's Man Utd job.

Patt said...

Was Kienaar sacked? when was he sacked? Ahh well, who cares. If they want to be relegated then thats their prob. I hope they get relegated instead of Boro, i kinda like Southgate. If Hull, the Toon and West Brom are relegated, ill be a pleased man.

Connolly's agent said...

I don't think Kinneer needed to be sacked. He was always just the interim coach, wasn't he? Anyway, I can't see anyone coem back from triple bypass heart surgery and then manage Newcastle - it's like operating on a patient who's a smoker and a couch potato.