- Alan Shearer, the fourth Newcastle manager of the season
1. I woke up today and on the news, Kevin Rudd had headbutted Nicholas Sarzoky for being French and recalcitrant, assumed command of the New World Order and ordered a new wave of bank bailouts, and rode off into the sunset with an awe-stricken Carla Bruni clasped around his waist.
2. I woke up today and a semi-trailer full of Mars Bars had crashed outside the house and little kids were cavorting around in piles of brightly-wrapped chocolate bars.
3. I woke up today and aliens had landed on the patio and were playing badminton on the back lawn.
4. I woke up today and the dog said "Howdy Weg, would you like some scrambled eggs?"
5. I woke up today and Alan Shearer had been made manager of Newcastle United.
Can anyone guess which one's real?
I'll give you a hint. I lifted Fun Fact No.5 from the Guardian website, so it's most likely to be correct, but... it's April Fool's day. It's got to be false. It's such a ridiculous proposition. Newcastle are 18th, two points adrift of Blackburn. They don't need Shearer. They need someone decent. They need a manager with experience, nous or that je ne nais quoi who'll galvanise the players to eek out enough points to avoid relegation.
They've gone down the Messianic route before by hiring Kevin Keegan, and that failed abysmally. Messiahs don't work in football because romance has been bored to death by statistics, better diets, and lots and lots of professionalism. Newcastle need someone pragmatic and tactically astute. And I don't think Shearer's the guy to do it.
So, this news about Shearer being appointed manager is an April's Fool joke. Isn't it?