Royal Arsenal?

"F**k you, Adebayor, you f**king worthless f**ker - can't you f**king hit that f**king ball properly? For f**k's sake, you big f**king lumphead, you're paid like a f**king king, and you can't even f**king shoot?! F**k you, Wenger should sell your f**king arse and bring in a real f**king striker. One is not amused."

- Queen Elizabeth II, on the couch, on any given Saturday.

I've been thinking.

It's not an original thought, but it's one that is very tantalising. We know that we're deep in debt from the stadium, and that those financial constraints are hindering our chance of short-term success. We know that the vultures are circling. We know that a wealthy benefactor with loads of spare cash is needed to compete with the debt-laden monsters of Chelski and Man USA.

We need a sugar daddy.

Why not the Queen?

She's a gooner. She's quite a wealthy woman. She likes Cesc Fabregas. I'm sure she'd be quite happy to reach into her petty cash and buy our club. It's a nice little club, with a homely, establishment kind of feel. We could install a balcony at Emirates and she could wave to the crowd before games.

It's a thought. She'd have the cash to buy Villa and Benzema, Akinfeev and Kompany. And, she could order Ashley Cole flogged by royal command. If she had just reason, of course. Which she would. At any rate, she has the resources to make Arsenal the Chelski of North London.

It's not going to happen, if only because the Queen's supposed to be above petty domestic machinations. She's supposed to represent the vulgarity and crassness of the British peoples as well as the pure class that is Arsenal. So, she can't show her allegiance to the prettiest, loveliest, most wonderful club in the world.

Pity.