Ramsay's Football Nightmares

"Get your fucking defence sort before you start fucking about with fucking pretty football, Arsene! Your fucking fans don't give a flying fuck about how you fucking play, as long as you fucking win."

- Gordon Ramsay (hypothetically), when confronted with Arsenal FC

Gordon Ramsay is inspirational. He's a mean, nasty, pissed-off old sod, but his professionalism is excellent. He wants the best, expects the best and more often than not, achieves it. There's a reason Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares is the surprise ratings hit on Australian TV, and it's not just because he's got a limited vocabulary and likes to express it.

I heard that Ramsay used to be a pro footballer. It got me thinking. This is what might happen if "Ramsay's Football Nightmares" eventuated:

1. Inspection

GR: I see a formerly great team in desperate need of overhaul. All the ingredients are there to make this club successful, but they're piss-farting around. There's an impressive stadium in a great location, a dedicated fan base, a world-class manager and a playing staff... but what the fuck has gone wrong?

2. Heart to heart with Arsene

GR: Oh my God! Take a look at this crap. Arsene, you may like playing this over-elaborated crap, but your fans don't. Serve them simple, fresh, direct football that's easy to play and looks great. You can't go wrong with speedy wingers, one-touch football and dynamic, clinical strikers. You need to invest money in your playing stock. If you buy crap, you're going to serve up crap.

Take a look at the squad; it's in desperate need of an over-haul. Your players take you for granted, they look for other jobs on the sly, they're lazy and they take advantage of you. You're the fucking boss - act like the fucking boss. Don't whinge to the fucking media about players being tapped up; put the fucking fear of God into your players so they won't even look at other clubs.

3. Heart to heart with the players

GR: Look, you fuckers. You're in a Michelin rated football club. Don't you realise how fucking lucky you are to be playing here? Don't take it for fucking granted. You've got ten fucking years of top-level football in you, and you've wasted your first big opportunity to succeed. You're going to the press and saying how you're all ready for next year, and everything's going to be fine? Don't fucking say it - fucking do it.

4. Overhauling the club

GR: I see a squad that's badly in need of modernising. It's stuck in the early 00s. Warm, comforting colours and simple design. We need a fast winger, a clinical striker and a world-class goalkeeper. And for God's sake, get a fucking defensive coach to stop those fucking weak goals.

5. Opening night.

Well, we'll just have to wait and see, right?