Gattuso to Arsenal?

"Is it true that Gattuso wants to leave Milan? I like him. He would be an important player for Bayern in the Champions League. Or rather he would be perfect."

- Franz Beckenbauer, Wednesday, Gazzetta dello Sport.

There's not a lot to talk about, so I thought I'll make up a rumor:

Reports are coming in from Italy that Gennaro Gattuso is restless at Milan after the signing of Mathieu Flamini. "I've got it in my contract that I'll always be the ugliest player at Milan," he told Gazzetta dello Sport. "How the fuck am I meant to bully the midfield if there's an even uglier fucker beside me?"

Gattuso has been recently seen eating brockhurst in Munich with Beckenbauer and blood pudding in London with Edelman, prompting speculation that the 30-year-old star midfielder is thinking of moving abroad.

"No fucking person eats fucking English cuisine for pleasure," an exasperated Gordon Ramsey remarked. "Blood pudding tastes like shit, looks like shit and shits like diarrhea - except if it's been made at my restaurant, where the quality is fucking fine. If he managed to scoff down the whole thing in one sitting, he's fucking serious about joining the fucking Arsenal."

When asked about the speculation, Wenger's comments were refreshingly frank. "Ultimately, we let Flamini go because we felt having such an ugly player in our team compromised our beautiful football. We do need an ugly player, but we want "Hollywood" ugly, not "ugly" ugly. We want a player who's ugly because he wears his competitiveness on his face, not because he's a freak of nature. Therefore, yes, Gennaro Gattuso is a player we are very interested in. We believe he is the ideal replacement for Flamini."

Flamini is said to be very happy that Gattuso is leaving. "Now that I don't have to compete with anyone, I can start looking pretty again," he remarked, as he teased his hair through the curler and pouted in front of his dressing room mirror.