Lachter isn't working for Arshavin anymore?

"Denis Lachter has not been representing my interests for a year now, he is not my agent. He does not have any information regarding my prospects and career plans, so his statements about my future endeavors shouldn’t be taken for a fact or paid attention to."

- Andrei Arshavin, from his official website

I've been following the Arshavin to Barcelona story fairly closely so far. I think Dennis Lachter is an evil genius of a football agent, and I admire the sheer amorality of his work. This guy does everything he can to get his client the best deal. And if the above quote is true, he's even willing to do it for his former clients as well.

What a guy!

Ordinarily, I'd see this a pretty firm denial of everything Lachter's said. But then again, this IS Dennis Lachter we're talking about. It's not beyond Lachter to get Arshavin to deny any official link with him, thus allowing Lachter free reign to wreck havoc without any of damage falling onto Arshavin. Actually, it's not beyond Lachter to fake his own death, then declare in his video will that his last wish was for Arsenal to sell Arshavin to Barca.... with Lachter getting a £3m posthumous agent fee.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next. It could be that Lachter goes deep undercover, and won't surface until the World Cup, when we find out that he's sold Pedro to Man City for £100m, and Arshavin's been trialling secretly at Barca. It could be that Lachter starts making even more outlandish comments about Arshavin, Arsenal and Barca. Whatever the case, I'm hooked. It'll be much better viewing than the World Cup.

In other "news", Chamakh acknowledges his pre-contract with us, and admits he's going to be an Arsenal player in 11 days' time. He says:

"I count the days, 11 short days. As time passes, it feels weird. I feel many emotions. I am delighted to join the English football atmosphere, it is something amazing. I love Arsenal's game. I know I will have to adapt but I know the short passing game."

Chamakh's getting quite emotional about moving here. I can sympathise. I've been quite emotional after our recent run of results. I can imagine Chamakh feeling a couple very strong emotions about the thought of joining such a squad next season. Well, he's signed already, so he's not in a position to back out now.

Where is he going to play? Probably up on the right when van Persie's well, and he'll probably move into the centre when van Persie breaks down. He's fast enough, strong enough, holds up the ball and has a good header. He'll do as a centre-forward, and if we can keep the other players interested, hard-working and injury-free, we might do alright next season.

So on the 352nd last day of my 20s, I woke up, had a run, went to work, came home. Not a lot else happened. My shoulder aches, and I'm finding it hard to get it past horizontal. Think lI'll take a shower.

Lachter Wants Arshavin Out of Arsenal (part 2)

Dennis Lachter's been talking to the press again:

"To be at the tail of the top teams in Europe is not what the manager, the players and the fans deserve. Even in Zenit he got titles, including the Uefa Cup. Arsenal is a better team, better manager, better everything; they should be higher than this - it is a disappointment.

"He just said if he would happen to play in Barcelona it would be the signature of his career; it is not that he doesn't want to be at Arsenal. So, let's be realistic, unless something extraordinarily dramatic happens, he will finish his career at Arsenal."

Lachter builds on the "disappointment" theme introduced in yesterday's comment. Now, according to Lachter, it's the "manager, players and fans" who are unhappy and disappointed with the poor season. Lachter is knitting our disappointment (as fans) with Arshavin's disappointment (as a player). So the more we can emphasise with Arshavin, the more we weil start to sympathise with his desire to join Barcelona.

Lachter then backtracks somewhat on the Arshavin to Barcelona theme. He says that Arshavin is happy to play for Arsenal, it's just that Barcelona is his dream. But the key phrase in this comment is the line "unless something extraordinarily dramatic happens, he (Arshavin) will finish his career at Arsenal". It manages to convey the impression that Arshavin is loyal (unless something extraordinarily dramatic happens), and yet leaves the way open for a move to Barcelona, if it eventuates.

So what's been happening so far?

I'm starting to think Lachter's playing this one from both sides. He wants to put Arshavin's availability on general notice, but he's also keen to emphasise Arshavin's loyalty. I don't think there's an actual buyer for Arshavin at the moment. Lachter is just testing the waters before the transfer window opens. This year, it's a short window before the World Cup, and Lachter would want clubs to be ready to bid as soon as possible.

So on the 359th last day of my 20s, I ran 2 kilometres before my shin splints played up again; was told my by GP that I don't have Hep C or AIDS; ate a whole roast chicken for lunch; went to work for 4 hours; got my first ever speeding ticket; and then showered and started blogging.

Might get an early night tonight - working 4 hours a day really takes it out on you.

Lachter Wants Arshavin Out of Arsenal

"You shouldn't be prostituting yourself or changing you mind because you don't like what is happening today."

- Dennis Lachter, a pot calling a kettle black

Dennis Lachter is the king of football agents. He will lie, cheat and steal to get his player from Club A to Club B. And a year later, he will lie again, cheat again and steal again in order to get extract that player from the Club B to Club C. About a year ago during the Zenit to Arsenal transfer, we saw a true master of the Machiavellian arts at work. And after Arshavin said that playing for Barcelona would be the pinnacle of his career, it looks like we're seeing the opening salvos of the next campaign.

It'll be a shame to lose Arshavin over the summer, but it's a real pleasure to see Dennis Lachter at work. Here's what he said:

"The main thing about Arsenal is not Andrey, Fabregas or van Persie. What happens to them depends on what happens to Mr Wenger. Arsenal today is 95 per cent Arsene Wenger. The influence and charisma of Mr Wenger to Arsenal fans, the manager and the Arsenal family is huge."

Here, Lachter claims that responsibility for Arshavin leaving Arsenal belongs to Arsene Wenger. Wenger has such a large influence on the club that he alone decides whether a player stays or leaves. By inference, if Arshavin agitates for a move this summer, it's Wenger's fault. Arshavin is not responsible for his own actions.

"But he is 61 years old in October and you could read clearly in Mr Wenger's face how disappointed he was that they haven't won anything his season."

Arshavin is absolved of blame for wanting to leave Arsenal because even Wenger is upset at Arsenal's poor close to the season. Lachter also slips a reference to Wenger's age, thus subtly reminding us that time is running out, and the Wenger days must surely end one day.

"I know Andrey is never thinking twice before opening his mouth, but by the rules of democracy, anybody can say whatever they want and there is some kind of disappointment (from Andrey) because of his injuries and frustration at the results of the club this season."

Here, Lachter is using the repetition of the word "disappointment" to encourage players to associate Arshavin with Wenger. Since they are both "disappointed" at the season's results, we're encouraged to think they both are "disappointed" in the same way. We are accepting of Wenger's disappointment because we know Wenger truly loves the club and does his best to ensure our long-term success, and we're encouraged to think that Arshavin does likewise.

Moreover, there's the subtle criticism that Arshavin's discontent is the club's fault. It is NOT that Arshavin wants to move for a bigger pay-check or to a more glamour club. It's because Arsenal do not have the results to satisfy Arshavin's needs.

So which club DOES have the results that attract Arshavin?

"It is not a secret for anybody that he has a big respect for Barcelona and it's not a secret for anybody that I agreed the move from Zenit to Barcelona for 15 million euros six months before his move to Arsenal. I know Andrey would like to play there but he is a player for Arsenal."

Here, Lachter is subtly letting us know that Arsenal was lucky to sign Arshavin in the first place, since the club he really wanted to go to was Barcelona. That deal was so far advanced that a deal had been put in place 6 months before his move to Arsenal. Therefore, Arsenal have no right to demand him to stay. We've had him for a year, when by rights he should be at Barcelona.

There's nothing really over-the-top about this, but it's just an opening salvo. It sets the scene for the campaign to come. So far, Lachter has established that:

1. Wenger is ultimately responsible for Arshavin's transfer to Barcelona

2. Like Wenger, Arshavin is disappointed with the results this season

3. Like Wenger, Arshavin is running out of time

4. Arshavin has always wanted Barcelona, and had a contract with them once

5. Arsenal should be grateful for the time we've had with Arshavin

It's a solid platform from which Lachter can launch his persuasive pyrotechnics. I'm interested about Wenger's potential new signings, but I'm more eager to see Lachter's performance in the off-season. It's going to be special.

So on the 360th last day of my 20s, I went to work and asked my mate about the girl of my dreams. I've asked about her before, and he's still puzzled why I fancy her. He's married to her sister, though, so I suppose his predilections run in another direction. I realise I'm writing about her excessively, but in my defence, I'm thinking about her excessively as well. Besides, it may help my 40 year old self to know just how angst-ridden I could be in my 20s.

I'm watching Poh's Kitchen at the moment. She's cooking at Margaret River, and it's a lovely looking place. I'm kind of regretful I didn't take a trip down the coast when I was in Perth. There was an offer from a hostel down there for free accommodation in exchange for cleaning the loos. It's exactly the kind of thing a man in his 20s would do.

van Persie Believes!

"There is ambition. I have spoken to both the boss and [chief executive] Ivan [Gazidis] about it... I trust him and my message to everyone is: be patient, trust the team and the people above."

- Robin van Persie, trusting the Club that I no longer can

van Persie stalled on his contract for six months, believing that the Arsenal were unambitious and unable to challenge for trophies. He said there was no issue with the money; he was perfectly happy to resign provided there were indications that the Arsenal were on the way up. He wanted to win trophies, and he didn't want to wait until the kids had grown up.

He kept that stance for months on end, until just a couple of days ago when he signed a new contract with the Arsenal. And now, van Persie's a born-again Arsene Knows Best believer, and he's preaching the good news to a crowd of sceptical gooners. And I'm wondering, what made him come around?

From my point of view, I can't see much to get excited about. Yes, Song improved quite a bit over the last half of the season. Yes, Arshavin proved to be an inspired buy. And yes, Vermaelen was signed promptly, without the protracted ennui we've grown accustomed to. I agree that the noises coming from the Club are encouraging. But is that reason enough to put on our happy faces and wear our "I ? The Arsenal Board" T-shirts?

I say no.

We've been down this road before, you and I. And quite simply, I don't trust myself to believe in a Club that's let me down before. Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me several times with gritty away wins and improving youngsters and title challenges that crumble at the first sign of resistance, shame on me. To believe that this Club will change is to open up, to be vulnerable, and we all know what happens when that happens.

I'd like a bit of van Persie's optimism, to be honest. There must be something overwhelming to have persuaded him to sign over the best years of his career to the Arsenal. I could use some of that. My own optimism is like a plastic bag - it puffs out when caught in an updraft, but in moments of depressed air, it's just a deflated little husk of a thing.

I'm kind of sick of words, and promises, and pretty speeches from our players vowing to try harder. We've heard it all before, and it's hard to take it at face value when you know they've disappointed in the past. Belief doesn't exist in a vacuum, after all - you need something of substance to prop it up.

That said, this is something that restores my faith in agents somewhat - Dennis Lachter, holding onto his contract with Arshavin and telling the world that it's legally binding. This, from the man who treats player contracts like a lover's sweet nothings, who has no scruples when it comes to other people's obligations:

“He sent me a letter, absolutely. Listen, it’s like entering a contract with Arsenal or anybody else; there are obligations. If you think that you can just cancel this formal relationship between two parties only because of a newborn baby it’s…what can you say…well you can’t do it. That’s it. I’m his agent.”

He's a funny man, Dennis Lachter. And he's brilliant at what he does. If Arsenal hires him, then I'll start to believe again in our ambitions.

Lachter would be like a new signing

"Before anything else, Barcelona should make a formal offer. Then we can sit down and speak."

- Dennis Lachter, offering Arshavin up for transfer

Dennis Lachter is the best football agent in the world. He's unscrupulous, devious, bold, greedy, and persistent. And if that's not enough, he's just shown that he's completely dedicated to providing the best deals for his players - even if he's no longer working for them.

Arshavin and Lachter parted ways a couple of weeks ago, and yet Lachter's still trying to angle a move to Barcelona. I'm not sure why. There's no commission in it for him. My only guess is that Lachter is such a devoted agent that he's willing to pull for his player, without pay.

How many football agents in the world would do that?

I'm saying we should sign Lachter and give him responsibility for transfer negotiations. We need to turn his talents to good, instead of evil. If he was an Arsenal agent, our current negotiations with Fiorentina wouldn't be at an impasse - Melo would be ours, Eboue and Senderos would be out, and we'd probably even make a profit out of it. That's how highly I rate the guy.

As it stands, it seems that Wenger's really keen on Melo but he can't afford to pay £21.5 million. Instead, he's offering two players, plus cash. It makes you wonder how much transfer money we've really got left. Could it be that the purchase of Vermaelen wiped us out? Are we relying on the sale of Adebayor to fund additional purchases? Are we going to miss out on a DM if we can't move a few players on?

It's for reasons like these that I urge the Arse to sign Dennis Lachter.

Dennis Lachter's Available

"I will not rest until I have you holding a Coke, wearing your own shoe, playing a Sega game *featuring you*, while singing your own song in a new commercial, *starring you*, broadcast during the Superbowl, in a game that you are winning, and I will not *sleep* until that happens. I'll give you fifteen minutes to call me back."

- Jerry Maguire, who's got nothing on Dennis Lachter

Andrei Arshavin has split from his manager, Dennis Lachter, after deciding that the business partnership was no longer working. Arshavin needed someone to help him in London, whereas Lachter was in Israel with a new-born son.

It's stunning news, and a great loss to the Owl. Dennis Lachter is possibly the greatest agent in the history of the world. He's better than Don King. He'll do anything to earn his client that extra 5%. He'll lie, he'll cheat, he'll flog his client to five different clubs in five different countries, start three international wars and launch a fashion label, in order to get the best deal possible.

Still, one man's loss is another man's gain. This could be advantageous for the Arsenal, but only if we act quickly and hire him. An agent of Dennis Lachter's quality is only available for a short term. There are a lot of avaricious players out there who would do anything to get an agent of Dennis Lachter's calibre. Can you imagine what Cristano Ronaldo would do if paired with an agent like Lachter? The mind boggles.

So what's the chances of Arsenal hiring Lachter? I'm not sure. I imagine a guy like Lachter works alone, like Rambo or Dirty Harry. Being tied to a large organisaion like the Arsenal would only hold him back. Things like protocols and common decency are over-rated in show business.

One can always dream, though.