Can Wenger sign someone, please?

"I am not conservative. I am realistic. It is different. We spend only the money we get. We have nobody who comes out when you lose £250million and says 'Listen, I make you a cheque' and life goes on. We live in a realistic world."

- Arsene Wenger, who has a very conservative view of reality

It'd been said that one of the conditions of the stadium finance deal was that Wenger is obliged to spend 70% of all his transfer takings, on either transfer fees or wages. This means that Wenger is obliged to spend 70% of that £41m that we got from Man City. That's £28.7m, which in my opinion, is sufficient buy someone of quality.

The problem is that we've probably got less than £28.7m to spend. We've spent a lot of money improving the contracts of our squad. I disapprove of that. We have the 3rd highest wage bill in the Premier League, and we have a thin squad with inexperienced backups. What's the point of improving Diaby's contract when we don't have a replacement for Song? What's the point of extending Rosicky's contract when he's injured half the time? And what's the point of giving all our kids large contracts when we still need a defensive midfielder, a centre-back and a goalkeeper?

The issue of the moment is the impeding financial ruin of Liverpool and Man Utd. Liverpool's drowning in debt, and will probably go into meltdown if they don't qualify for the Champions League. Man Utd are hocked to the eyeballs in debt, and may need to sell their training grounds and their stadium to keep themselves solvent. The consensus seems to be that cheque-book managerialism doesn't pay in the long-run.

I disagree.

The reason Liverpool are failing as a business is that their owners borrowed to buy the club, and are using the club's income to pay off the debt. They don't have a stadium big enough to generate the revenue of an elite club. However, they have the player roster and wages of an elite club. They're being squeezed from both ends. They need a new stadium to increase their revenue, but the owners have spent all their borrowed money on players and wages. There's nothing left to fund the stadium.

The reason Man Utd are failing is because the Glazers' are leeches. Man Utd are a remarkably profitable club - it's just the club's profit is being used to pay off the Glazers' borrowings. No business saddled with £700m in bad debt is healthy. If it wasn't for the Glazers, Man Utd would be generating profit every year, instead of going into debt because of interest payments. The Glazers are just the blood out of Mad Utd.

So where does that leave us? We're in a good positio; we have a large debt but it's on long-term low interest rate. The debt's being used to pay off our stadium. And the banks have actually made it a condition that we must invest in the squad, through that 70% investment rule.

So why the hell are we resigning our players on over-the-top wages, signing stop-gap solutions like Sol Campbell, and fielding sub-standard players like Almunia? We've got the money. It's stipulated that we spend it. So why can't we spend on players who can make us stronger?

C'mon Wenger, buy us someone exciting.

Owen to Utd

"I've got skin thicker than 99.9% of the population and I have got used to it. I'll come back. I'll play well and score goals once more."

- Michael "The Elephant Man" Owen, about to sign with Man Utd

Maybe Ferguson knows something we don't? Because he's just about to sign Michael Owen, the man who most of the Premier League wouldn't touch in fear of catching "injury-proneness".

Whatever the reason, Michael Owen's got a medical at Old Trafford today, and could be playing for Man Utd next season. That's only if he passes a very stringent medical, of course. He's got a history after all, and you wouldn't want him unless he was okay. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if they got Owen to do some of those World's Strongest Man events just to make sure he's fit.

It makes you wonder, though. First they lost Ronaldo. Then they lost Tevez. Then they missed out on Ribery, and then on Benzema. And now, they've decided to latch onto Michael Owen. £80 million doesn't get you much these days, does it? I wonder what Man Utd fans are thinking; must be similar to what we gooner think every frickin' day.

But he's still a good player, is Michael Owen. He'll give you goals, if you can supply them. Bung him in a 4-3-3 with Berbatov and Rooney, and he'll have so many chances that even Adebayor could get a hattrick. The only problem is that he's pretty much just a poacher. And if you're fielding an ornamental footballer like Berbatov as well, that might be one passenger too many.

Oh well, we'll wait and see. Interesting one, this one.

Goodbye Eboue?

"It would be hard. But I think it would be harder to experience another season like this one, too far off the pitch... But if I leave Arsenal it would be for another league because it is out of the question that I develop elsewhere in England."

- Emannuel Eboue, wanting to leave

I wouldn't mind this, to be honest. Eboue's a good right back, but Sagna's better. Eboue's a decent right winger, but Walcott's got more potential. The most Eboue can hope for (hopefully) is a spot as a squad player, and that's not enough for a guy approaching his peak as a footballer.

Selling Eboue would add a bit to the kitty. Maybe we can get some players. You never know. The transfer window hasn't even opened yet, so anything's possible.

There's really nothing else on the Arsenal front.

Man Utd have something interesting, though. They've offically announced that they're a selling club. Apparently, they're only going to buy players 26 years old or under because anyone older has a signifcantly lower re-sale value. I'm not sure they're genuine about it, or whether they just couldn't afford buying a Ribery, a Kaka, or a Villa to replace Ronaldo, but it's significant.

Not a match preview

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we're free to do anything."

- Tyler Durden, Fight Club

So this is it, the last throw of the dice. We're fourth in the league no matter which way we turn. We're out of the FA Cup. We've only got 90 relevant minutes left to our season, and we're doing it against Utd at the Emirates. 

We've got to make it count. 

We can go through. We don't deserve this chance, considering the pathetic performances we've put in over the year, but we're still in it. One brilliant 90 minute burst, and we could be fronting up to our second Champions League final in five years. Wouldn't that be special? 

Anyway, we know the composition of the team; 4-5-1, Adebayor up front, a shockingly weak defence at the back, and square pegs in round holes in the midfield. But it'll work if we're up for it. And it's going to work. I get premonitions every now and then, and this is one of those time. We're down and out, and no one except Stan Collymore gives us a chance. And yet, we play our best in these circumstances. It liberates us. As Tyler Durden said, it's only when you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything. 

3-1 to the Arsenal. 

1-0 to Man Utd

"That's Arsenal's advantage. They can play Pat Rice at right-back and Arsène Wenger can play centre-forward; it doesn't matter to them."

- Alex Ferguson, commenting about the Premier League, but also valid for the Champions League return fixture next week

He's right, of course. We can play Pat Rice at right-back and Arsene Wenger at centre-forward. That'll free up Sagna to partner Toure in the centre of defense, slide Eboue out to left back, and it'll leave Silvestre out of the team completely. Adebayor could be relegated to the bench, and maybe Wenger's good enough to score from clear-cut chances and not get offside all the time. I'm sure his workrate would be much better, at any rate.

That's the Arsenal advantage - our squad's so thin that sometimes, it doesn't matter who we play.

Wenger says that the positive is that we're only a goal down. He's right; we were very lucky this morning. O'Shea scored a weak goal after he was totally unmarked by the far post. Man Utd peppered our goal, and if Almunia hadn't been up for the game, we would be entering the second leg four or five goals down.

We played terribly. Adebayor was listless. Diaby was useless. Silvestre was worse than useless - we'd be better off getting him red carded at the start of the match. He's at the heart of every goal we've conceded in the past couple of weeks. We didn't press, we didn't attack, we didn't defend, we didn't do anything except stroll around the pitch for 90 minutes and hope it wouldn't be too bad. For the biggest game of our season, it's a pretty poor performance.

It's frustrating that we're playing our best players out of position to compensate for weaker players. Cesc is now an attacking midfielder because he's a good finisher and can score the goals that Adebayor can't. Nasri is now a defensive midfielder becaue Diaby can't tackle, can't press and can't offer a physical presence. Diaby is a left winger because he's a defensive liability and he will do less damage on the wing than in the middle of the park.

There isn't a lot to say. We were outplayed because Man Utd's a better team that's better organised and more hungry for success. They played an outstanding game this morning, and really should've buried us. And next Tuesday, they probably will.

Still, there is a bit of hope. Ferdinand might be out. Djourou and van Persie might be fit, and might take the place of Silvestre and Adebayor. We might play a 4-4-2 and try to attack Man Utd instead of playing a tactical game. We might have learnt to defend in the meanwhile. I wouldn't hold my breath, but hope is all we've got.

My prediction for Tuesday: 3-1 to the Arsenal.

Something to play for

"This is the moment that we've waited for. I'm an optimist and I believe I will win it [the Champions League] and the sooner, the better. That's why I am here with complete belief."

- Arsene Wegner, who's so excited he's about to break out in showtunes

We're playing Man Utd tomorrow morning. Getting really nervous. It's like that feeling you get the afternoon before the school play, as you're walking into the auditorium and it's buzzing with anticipation. There's the fear of the unknown, the quivering stomach and the vague sense of impending doom.

Or maybe it's just because I quit my job this morning and I'm at loose ends.

Whatever the case, I'll be up tomorrow morning whether we're going to do it. Whether we're going to beat Man Utd. I don't have anything intelligent to say about it, so I won't try. Odds are, we're going to lose. But then, we support Arsenal, so we got to think we're going to win it, right? Anyway, there's something to play for. It's in our power to stop this:

_

It's almost as revolting as seeing Ashley Cole win something. C'mon Arsenal.

Random musings

"It's only worth doing if it's challenging."

- Claire, from a while back

It's the lull before the storm, and we're all getting a bit anxious about the match on Wednesday. Gibbs is a promising left back, but you wonder if he can do the business against Ronaldo. Djourou should be back in centreback, and hopefully Silvestre is back on the physio table where he belongs. We've a bunch of paper tigers at the back, and we're hoping Man Utd don't realise it.

Kolo Toure made the observation that no one expected the Arsenal to be in the semi-final of the Champions League. He's got a point - during January, we were in freefall and doubting if we'd qualify for the Champions League. And now, we're 4th in the Premier League and we've made the semi-finals of both the FA Cup and the Champions League. That's a remarkable achievement when you consider it was done with a shallow, callow squad that wallowed in self-pitying mediocrity for half a season.

However, when you step back and reflect on the season, you're left wondering at what might've been: IF we'd bought replacements for Flamini and Hleb; IF we'd bought Arshavin at the beginning of the year instead of midway through; IF we'd bought ready-made players instead of ill-prepared kids the backbone of our side. It gives you a headache if you think about it long enough. The bones of a dominant team are present, we just need some more quality signings to flesh it out. But Arsene Wenger likes to do things the hard way.

After all, it's only worth doing if it's challenging.

It's something that Claire said that night in Dubrovnik. And every now and then, when I'm sunk in the humdrum of everyday life, it hits me square in the face. She was right. There's very little point in staying in your comfort zone. It's only when you're extend yourself that you realise who you are. It's only then that you become alive. 

I'm stuck in the middle of something at the moment, and it's tearing me apart. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I feel nauseous and I've a slight migraine above my left temple. It's much like the symptoms I get after a bucketful of KFC. And it's much like the symptoms I get just before a big game. I'm not sure what's the cause. It could be stress. It could be indigestion. But it could also be the start of something big.

If we topple Man Utd, if we front up to Barcelona in the Champions League final, how great would it be to realise we'd done it with a bunch of kids that everyone had written off just four months previous? It'll be a vindication of everything Wenger's said these past few years. It'll be so sweet. 

It reminds me of something Kennedy once said:

"We choose to go to the moon. We chose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organise and measure the best of hour energies and kills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too. "

Okay, it's just Man Utd, not a man on the moon, but still.... c'mon Arsenal.

Arsenal 2-0 Middlesbrough

"I believe that what is important on Wednesday night is that we're at our best. When we are at our best we can beat anybody."

- Arsene Wenger, bigging us up for the match against Utd

2-0 to the Arsenal last night, with two goals to Fabregas and some clever link work with Arshavin. The Owl didn't score any goals and only provided one assist, so it was a pretty poor performance by his standards. Still, we won, so I'm sure he's happy and eager to make amends next game.

Nasri played deep in a holding midfielder role. It's an interesting place to put him. Nasri's a chunky little player, with good ball control. It a bit of a waste of his talent, but he can perform as a holding midfielder adequately. Plus, he's the most hideous Arsenal midfielder since Flamini, and we need a bit of ugliness in the centre of the park. Might be an inspired decision by Wenger. It'll be interesting to see whether he gets a similar role against Man Utd, maybe partnering Song in the centre with Fabregas given license to roam. 

However, halfway through the second half, I realised I really didn't care about the game anymore. We were 2-0 up, the field was open, Arsenal were cruising... and it all seemed quite pointless. Sure, we're 6 points behind Chelsea and 3rd place is still very achievable, but it doesn't seem to mean much to me. 

I'm much more anxious about the game on Wednesday night. Man Utd in the semi-final. That'll be a good game. Our season hangs on the semi-final tie, and our semi-final tie hangs on that game. We're starting to get players back (Almunia and Djourou) and Silvestre's injured, which is always a bonus. If we can keep the defence tight, and not concede more than, let's say five goals, then we're in with a chance at the Emirates in a week's time. I know it's asking a lot of our defence, but it's doable. 

It's going to be a couple of nervy days until the match. 

Anyone But United

Around the beginning of the season, I had a bit of affection for Man Utd. Good side, playing attractive football, with a manager who'll probably go down as the greatest ever in England. They play prettier than Chelsea did, and they didn't have Terry or Cole in their side. Ferguson's a ruthless, relentless manager, and you've got to admire a guy who's still willing to learn and sacrifice to succeed after 30 years (?) in the trade.

In last year's Champions League final, I was going for United.

But it's all changed. Liverpool lost over the weekend, and with that, their title hopes are pretty much shot to pieces. In England at the moment, there is only Man Utd, then daylight, then three flagging sides, and then the basketcase of nervosa known as the Arsenal. The prospect of Man Utd winning three Premierships in a row is nauseating, but inevitable.

At the moment, I'm firmly on the Anyone But United bandwagon. It is sickening to imagine that they're on the way to another seven, eight year run as top dog. It is sickening to think that the Arsenal are sliding down to mid-table mediocrity like a whimpering lap dog. And it is incredibly sickening to think that no one has been able to knock Man Utd off the perch - not Arsene's Invincibles, nor Mourinho's Annoying, Boring Bastards nor Benetiz's Mechanical Army. We're just good enough for a couple of seasons' worth of ascendancy, and then we all fall on our collective arses.

C'mon Arsene. The world needs you to pull your fucking head out of Song's arse, smell the shit and overhaul this fucking side again. There is no fucking way I'm going to go through another seven years of Man Utd dominance.

It's too horrible to contemplate.

Like Lipstick on a Pig

"We expressed ourselves well tonight. We created a lot of good chances and I think we are going to improve on today. It's not the worst result but it could have been better for us."

- Alex Ferguson, putting a nice layer of lipstick on his overgrown sow

Wednesday night I spent walking through Edinburgh, desperately looking for a bar that screened the Arsenal vs Dynamo Kyiv match. No such luck. There are plenty of bars showing Champions League matches, but they all showed Man Utd vs Villareal. Turns out that Edinburgh is a hotbed of Man Utd fans.

Go figure. I thought Edinburglers had taste.

So I hunkered down at Walkabout and watched 70 minutes of the most enlightening football I've ever seen. Man Utd without Ronaldo are toothless. It was amazing to see Villareal hold a team with players like Rooney, Anderson, Nani and Tevez. There was plently of determination, work-ethic, pressing... but no invention and no creativity. Man Utd without Ronaldo are ordinary. Which explains why Ferguson was so desperate to keep Ronaldo, I suppose.

Moreoever, is it coincidence that the only two games we haven't won this season (Fulham and Dynamo Kyiv) were the ONLY two games I haven't seen? Of three games I've personally graced, we've won by an aggregate scoreline of 11-0. Someone please, please let Danny Fizsman know about my amazing abilities.

Wenger's furious about the penalty, of course, and about Kyiv hacking down Walcott at every opportunity. What does he expect? Gallas and his opponent both went down like they were pigs in an ice-rink, and Walcott got trampled like a grasshopper between a pig and his slop-bucket. These things happen in football, and a draw against Kyiv is a decent result. We haven't won in the Soviet in ten attempts.

Bolton next, on the Saturday. We love you Arsenal, we do.

Ronaldo's leaving?

"I want to play for Real Madrid, but only if it is true they are eager to pay me and Manchester United what they have been saying they will. However, it does not depend on me."

- Cristano Ronaldo, about the only transfer rumour that has legs

I'm not going to talk much about Adebayor going to Milan for 32 million. That's just stupid. He's not worth that much. Milan aren't that rich. And Arsene Wenger's too stubborn to sell a guy for a vastly inflated fee - he'd rather they run down their contract and go on a Bosman.

The Cristano Ronaldo deal makes my head hurt. 78 million is a lot of money. 200,000 pounds a week is a lot of money. I'm flabbergasted that any club is rolling around in that amount of cash. I'm not even sure what you would buy with 200,000 a week. I'd probably do my grocery shopping at a gourmet grocer and then put the rest in the bank. I might even indulge in a new pair of ugg boots. But otherwise, what's the point of all that money?

It'll be interesting to see how Man Utd would cope without Ronaldo. Anecdotally, he's the only reason for their recent run of form. He has been playing brilliantly these past two years, and it'll be impossible to fill his position. I suppose they'll buy Benzema and Robinho? And maybe and revert to a 4-4-1-1? The mind boggles at the FM fantasy team they could set up with that kind of cash.

But one thing's for sure - it's nice to see Real Madrid target a non-Arsenal player for a change. I hope Fabregas isn't the jealous type.

On Morality

"Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time”

- Henry Louis Mencken

I've often dismissed Wenger's insistence that Chelsea's riches are immoral. It seemed weak. They always seemed the words of a sore loser.

I didn't see it from his side until recently.

There's this girl, you see. A sweet, lovely, gorgeous girl. I would dearly love to ask her out, but she's nine years younger that me. I cannot. She is too young. It's driving me mad because I cannot make a move, but I cannot. My morals tell me that I cannot.

My morals are willful, inconsistent things. They puff up with self-righteous pride in some circumstances, and fold discretely back into the knapsack in others. They are often inconsiderate to my personal wishes. I often try to ignore them. But once they catch a gust of wind, my sails are full and my course becomes unalterable. I've been trying to think of ways to get around my morals. I cannot emphasize how much I'd love to ask this girl out. But my morals will not allow me.

This girl, however, has other admirers. She's attracting guys who are older, and sleazier and who have no qualms about picking up young girls. It give me indigestion just thinking of the anecdotes she's told. I picture them surrounding her like jackals around a separated baby gazelle. A part of me realises that she likes the attention of those jerks. And a part of me realises that she's attracted to them specifically because they are older and sleazier and push all those rebellious buttons of hers.

When I start thinking this way, I get heartburn.

And out of nowhere, I recollect all those interviews with Wenger repeating those three little words, "it is immoral". It is the phrase of the guy who is frustrated beyond belief as he watches others waltz over and takes the things he covets most. He wants it so badly that he's ready to fight Martin Jol on derby day. But in spite of his intelligence and his talents, he cannot fight back. He's been rendered impotent and feeble. He's been betrayed by his own morals.

To compete against the immorality of Chelsea's "financial doping", Man Utd have bought the Premiership (presumably) and mortgaged their future. Arsenal have earned 3rd place and stayed solvent. One club succumbed to their lusts. One club remained true to their morals.

I'm sure Wenger, on those sleepless nights, thinks of all the players he could've signed if he'd accessed that huge transfer facility. I'm sure he's sworn over and over than next time he's competing with a big club for a talented starlet, he'll sign him "no matter what the cost". But when the time comes to call the agent, he chokes on his words. Why?

Your morals are YOUR morals because you cannot side against them. You cannot bend them, you cannot twist them, you cannot do anything but obey. For better or worse, they are part of you. They are the better part of you. I have to believe that. It's the only thing I can cling to, because when it costs you the things you want most in your life, it's so fucking hard to take. There's no consolation prize for 3rd place. There's no consolation girl for the guy who refrains. This is real life and the consequences of those morals are mind-numbingly painful.

In football, in life, sometimes the only thing that counts is scoring.

The Lesser of Two Evils

This joke was doing the rounds in the early nineties:

Question: You're on a boat with Saddam Hussein, Hitler and Paul Keating (then Australian treasurer and architect of the "recession we had to have"), and you've only got two bullets. Who do you shoot?

Answer: Paul Keating twice in the head.

My 4th Grade teacher loved that joke. Along with getting us to scout for the cheapest petrol prices in Melbourne, telling politically-biased jokes to impressionable kids was her raison d'etre. But I never really found it that funny. There was something profoundly sad about hating someone so much that you'd choose to whack him instead of two of the greatest villains of the twentieth century. I couldn't work it out, then.

But I'm starting to understand it now.

We're playing Man Utd next. In January, didn't our mouths water at the thought of this match? Arsenal vs Man Utd. The Title Play-Off. The two best sides in the league. Fucking hell, that would've been some match. To emerge from all these seasons of disappointment to come-of-age (for real, this time) at Old Trafford would have been something.

So this Sunday will be a bit of an anti-climax. There's a certain bitterness to it. What are we playing for now? Pride? Respect? An attaboy from the media for putting up a fight against the champions-elect? All I know is when the Arsenal walk onto the pitch, I'll be seeing double. As well as Cesc and co., I'll be seeing the crushed dreams and faded ghosts of yesterday. Remember when Hleb, Cesc, Flamini and Rosicky were irrepressible? Remember when Cesc scored goals from midfield? Remember when Gallas-as-captain was a stroke of genius? I could go on, but I'll stop for the same reason you don't pick at a scab.

The fact is that this match doesn't mean much. I imagine Wenger will make a show of how we're still in the race, and Gallas or Cesc will come out and rally the troops, but I suspect they'll be going through the motions. Our guys will play hard because it's against Man Utd, but half their minds will be on Euro 2008. It's not worth putting your body on the line for a meaningless fixture. And part of me understands.

However, there is one thing we should be playing for - making sure Chelsea don't win the league. I don't know what the logistics of throwing a match are, but it's something I hope Wenger seriously considers. I don't want to see Ashley Cole win the league before us. I don't want to see John Terry and Frank Lampard celebrate. And I'd rather endure a Man Utd double than see Avram Grant succeed.

I doubt any gooner would deny that Man Utd are worthy champions. Yes, they're arrogant. And yes, their success has been bought in much the same way as Chelsea's. But you can't deny that Cristano Ronaldo is the best player in the league, and that he deserves to win the Premiership. And you can't help but admire Ferguson's accomplishment with this side, especially if they win the Champions League as well. He is a very, very good manager, and his team plays very pretty football.

It is profoundly depressing that, after eight months of dreaming a young man's dreams, we're stuck with the role of the spoiler. There's nothing classy about a spoiler. You're the dirty, drunken hobo trying to tackle the bride in her pristine white dress. There's nothing dignified about that.

This Sunday, I don't want us to stop the Man Utd procession. I want us to lose. Yes, I want us to try hard and make a good match, but in the end, I want us to just roll over and die. I'd rather Man Utd retain their lead, their league and their superiority over everyone. I can't believe I wrote that. It's sickening, but true. Because given the choice between Man Utd or Chelsea, I'll choose Man Utd every time.

Anyway, I've finally understood my 4th Grade teacher's joke. In my proverbial boat on the lake, I've got Saddam Hussein, Hitler and Ashley Cole in my sights, and I'm weighing up the cost-benefit of both bullets. Rationally, I should kill Hitler and Saddam and give millions of families some semblance of closure. If there's ever any justification for murder, those two are it.

But in the end, those two bullets are heading straight for Ashley's head.