Ashley Cole's taking the piss

"According to the Sunday Mirror Chelsea star Ashley Cole could be heading for a showdown with the club following his wage demands, in a similar situation that led to the player’s acrimonious departure from Arsenal."

- Andrew Allen, sports.co.uk

Ashley Cole wants a pay-rise. He's asking for an extra £60,000 a week so that he can match the wages of his mate John Terry, who is on £150,000 a week. In addition, he wants fame, respect and affection from the Chavs.

And after that, he wants a pony.

Turns out that Chelsea aren't willling to break their "wage structure" to accomodate Cole. That's pretty scary stuff. If Chelsea aren't willing to pay crazy money for Cole's services, who is? Chelsea are the craziest of crazies when in comes to hyper-inflated wages.

I'm going to go out on a lim and predict the next few weeks; Ashley Cole crashing his Bentley and screaming "you're taking the piss, Jonathen!" when he hears that his £150,000 a week proposal has been turned down; Ashley Cole meeting up with Man City to learn that he's being underpaid at £90,000 a week; Ashley Cole weighing up the prospects of playing out the rest of his career at a top club like Chelsea, or three or four more years playing for silly money at a silly club like Man City; Ashley Cole lining up next season in light blue and greenbacks.

Then again, you can't really expect too much from Ashley Cole. But I am disappointed with Kaka's move to Real Madrid. It's okay to switch clubs for fabulous amounts of money. And it's okay to play for Real Madrid; when you get down to it, it's probably more immoral to play for Milan since it's used to enable a corrupt president to remain in power and avoid impeachment. It's just that he's spent most of this year saying how much he loves Milan and wants to stay there forever. It's just not right to talk out of your arse. It's dishonest, if nothing else.

Don't go to Chelsea, Kaka

'Kaká's contract gives him €9million in its first season and rises by a million euros for each of its five years... to better that, Chelsea will have to begin at more than £200,000 a week.'

- a Milan source, talking to Observer Sport

I've got some spare time, and it's a Sunday, so I've got fundamentalist Christianity on my mind. You wouldn't think it has much to do with football, but then, you wouldn't think a guy who wears his faith on his T-shirt would consider working for immoral people, either. I'm talking, of course, about Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite (a.k.a Kaka).

Don't get me wrong, I really admire Kaka. He seems like a genuinely nice man, with a sincere faith and an amiable disposition. Unlike some of his contemporaries, fame and success haven't tuned him into a jerk. Actually, he's probably the only elite footballer in the world who wouldn't look out of place with a halo around his head.

Sanctity is a delicate thing, though.

I'm thinking about Kaka's move to Chelsea. I'm presuming something's afoot; there's a bit too much whispering for to just be a rumour. This article claims that, if he moves to Chelsea, he "is likely to become the first £1m-a-month footballer".

I'm with a lot of people who believe that Chelsea's money is blood money. Russian resources were stolen from the Russian people by a bunch of well-placed crooks and sycophants during post-Soviet deregulation. It's not to say that the oligarchs weren't smart nor hard-working, but they did gain control through a series of dodgy deals. Abramovich has himself admitted to having paid billions of dollars for political favours and protection fees to obtain a big share of Russia's oil and aluminium assets (The Times, 05/07/08).

Where does Kaka fit into this?

Well, Abramovich used his money to turn Chelsea into his personal Football Manager game. Kaka is, potentially, the new "big, big signing". And ultimately, Kaka's wages will come from Abramovich. I don't dispute that Kaka's entitled to seek out the highest rate of remuneration, and I don't dispute that he'd be worth £250,000 a week. After all, he is the best player in the world. I'm not even going to argue that earning that kind of money is obscene, because I imagine Kaka does a lot more good with his millions than I ever will with my paltry thousands.

It's just that I hope Kaka takes a moment before he signs with Chelsea. I hope he thinks about where his money's coming from. I hope he asks himself whether he's willing to accept money from a tainted source, and whether his sense of righteousness is worth another lazy million in the bank. I really hope he does.

You cannot serve both God and Mammon.