Does anybody want Eboue or Shearer?

“We will talk to Arsenal over the next few days, he is settled in London, but we’ll have to see. It’s not just Fiorentina after him, but there are also Spanish teams. There are no other news at the moment, we will know more in the coming days.”

- Emmanuel Eboue's agent

Emmanuel Eboue is a wanted man, apparently. He's a versatile full-back/winger who can dance a funky dance, is called the Pass Master, and who wants to play more games. He's being chased by Fiorentina and, um, some clubs in Spain.

I actually think we should keep Eboue. He's an experienced older body who can play a variety of roles competently. He's a handy substitute for Sagna. But if he can get a starting position at a club the size of Fiorentina, I'd be happy to let him go. At 26, he needs the game time that we can't give him.

I'm just wondering who these Spanish clubs are. All I know about football rumours comes from the internet, and as far as I'm concerned, if it doesn't feature on newsnow it didn't really happen. And there's nothing on newsnow about Eboue. If Eboue's agent is making stuff up about interest in Eboue, I wish he'd stop it. There's enough specious speculation in the transfer season without agents fabricating false rumours. And if Eboue's agent really thinks Eboue's being lusted after by a bevy of Spanish clubs, he's seriously deluded.

There's been a bit of delusion lately. I came across this article about Alan Shearer and the Newcastle United job. I've been following it for a while, and I still don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. The guy was in charge of four or five games, was odds on to keep them in the Premier League, and he led them to relegation. Why then is he still considered to be the best option for Newcastle? Why is he even considered at all?

It was meant to be temporary. Shearer was meant to be in charge for only the last few games of the season, get them out of the relegation zone, and then zip back to his BBC punditry. The way I see it, he hasn't fulfilled even one of those requirements. He's hanging around like a bad smell trying to get a permanent position. He got Newcastle relegated. And he's forestalling on his TV spot while his managerial career is in limbo.

There's this quote by ex-teammate Robert Lee, taken from the Guardian:

"I speak to Alan every day and he is frustrated to say the least. He's coming to the end of his tether. He has waited for ages and been told things were due to happen but nothing has. I'm amazed he hasn't already told Newcastle he doesn't want the manager's job any more. But there will come a point where he says 'You're too late'. He still wants the job desperately but you can't expect someone like that to wait forever."

I know he's a Geordie legend and all, but how is it that Alan Shearer is in the position to make comments like this? He's done nothing during his time as manager, and he's still expecting to be reappointed?

Shearer and Newcastle United

"My job is to keep Newcastle United in the Premier League. I will be in charge for eight games and eight games only."

- Alan Shearer, who's somehow managed to make the most bizarre managerial appointment of the season seem even odder

I can't sleep anymore. 

Most days I wake up at 5:00am and wonder what the hell I'm going to do until work. Usually, I get on the computer and hack away at my book. When I get bored, I log onto the Internet and look for some football news. And when I come across something bizarre like "Shearer in charge of Newcastle United for eight games only", I wonder if I'm still in bed and still dreaming. 

A lot of us thought the appointment of Shearer as Newcastle United was an April Fool's joke. That was bizarre, but it had a certain crazy logic to it. Shearer's a Toon god, so even if he gets them relegated, the fans won't misbehave too badly. And you never know, he might do okay. He's young, charismatic, passionate about Newcastle, and he can always learn to be a good manager if given time and patience by the fans and the board. Give him an experienced mentor (Bobby Robson, Terry Venables etc,.) to guide him with tactics and training, and it might even work. 

However, appointing Shearer for eight games is just stupid. Newcastle are in the relegation zone. The relegation zone. Newcastle are in a position to get relegated. Newcastle and Relegation are sitting at opposite ends of a dimly-lit bar, their eyes lock and it's fate; from that moment, you know that Newcastle and Relegation are gonna get in on.... 

I know I'm repeating myself, but wilfully negligent stupidity just leaves me... well, stupefied. 

To sum up Newcastle's season, Mike Ashley didn't do due diligence when he bought Newcastle. He hired Keegan when he hadn't even been to a football match in three years. He sacked Keegan to save Dennis Wise. He appointed Kinnear as manager, who's since had heart failure from managing Newcastle. He then sacked Kinnear, sacked the other manager, and sacked Dennis Wise in order to get Shearer.... and Shearer's only going to be there for eight weeks? 

If you're appointing a short-term manager to avoid relegation, you go for someone who knows what they're doing. You don't go for someone who's never managed in their life. You call 'Arry Redknapp and pile dump-trucks full of money at his doorstep until he quits Tottenham. Or Steve Bruce. Or Aidan Boothroyd. Or ANYONE who knows what it's like to manage a relegation battle. What you don't do is hire Alan-f**king-Shearer (at £100,000 a game) and hope he saves the day. 

But whatever. It's Newcastle United, and it's Mike Ashley, and nothing makes sense up on the Toon. It's 7:00am now, and I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Maybe the world will make more sense when the sun's up?

April Fools?

"It will be one hell of a battle. It will be one hell of a fight. It will be tough. We have some tough games coming up. I don't think anyone can safely say that we are going to be guaranteed safety."

- Alan Shearer, the fourth Newcastle manager of the season

Five Fun Facts for today, only one of which is likely to be true:

1. I woke up today and on the news, Kevin Rudd had headbutted Nicholas Sarzoky for being French and recalcitrant, assumed command of the New World Order and ordered a new wave of bank bailouts, and rode off into the sunset with an awe-stricken Carla Bruni clasped around his waist.

2. I woke up today and a semi-trailer full of Mars Bars had crashed outside the house and little kids were cavorting around in piles of brightly-wrapped chocolate bars.

3. I woke up today and aliens had landed on the patio and were playing badminton on the back lawn.

4. I woke up today and the dog said "Howdy Weg, would you like some scrambled eggs?"

5. I woke up today and Alan Shearer had been made manager of Newcastle United.

Can anyone guess which one's real?

I'll give you a hint. I lifted Fun Fact No.5 from the Guardian website, so it's most likely to be correct, but... it's April Fool's day. It's got to be false. It's such a ridiculous proposition. Newcastle are 18th, two points adrift of Blackburn. They don't need Shearer. They need someone decent. They need a manager with experience, nous or that je ne nais quoi who'll galvanise the players to eek out enough points to avoid relegation.

They've gone down the Messianic route before by hiring Kevin Keegan, and that failed abysmally. Messiahs don't work in football because romance has been bored to death by statistics, better diets, and lots and lots of professionalism. Newcastle need someone pragmatic and tactically astute. And I don't think Shearer's the guy to do it.

So, this news about Shearer being appointed manager is an April's Fool joke. Isn't it?